A few weeks ago, Mother Jones published a lengthy article entitled “Orphan Fever: The Evangelical Movement’s Adoption Obsession.” The article reviews the book, The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption, by Kathryn Joyce.

I’m seriously late to the discussion, but I wanted to throw in a few thoughts. The book and the subsequent article have been making waves in the adoption community over the last few weeks as anti-adoption advocates refer to the book as proof of the evils inherent in all adoption and the pro-adoption crowd goes on the defensive.

I’m not writing this for the pro-adoption crowd. You guys and gals will continue bravely doing what you do, opening your homes and hearts to kids in need. You’ll gather your sweet babies close, give them extra kisses, and continue onward with the hard work of healing, attachment, and connective parenting. You’ll ignore the nay-sayers, the name-callers, and the judgement-passers, and go right on scrimping, saving, and fund-raising to bring home your next child.

I’m also not writing to the firmly cemented anti-adoption crowd. If you’ve made up your mind to embrace that label….if you reject the notion that there are any children in need of families and believe that all adoptions are unnecessary or corrupted, then there’s little reason for you to keep reading. Though, I might suggest that you check out one of my favorite posts, “Do Orphans Need Saving?” from Rage Against the Minivan. Also, I wrote about this documentary called Stuck that came out recently. Pretty sure they didn’t make up the footage of children banging their heads against walls from lack of stimulation or toddlers with teeth rotting from lack of proper nutrition.

But I digress….

I think I’m writing this for the “on-the-fencers.” The ones that read articles like the ones in Mother Jones and ache over injustice, but can’t reconcile such terrible stories with the adoptive families you know. I’m writing for you who have let your mind wander to what it might look like to adopt a child, but have been discouraged by the belief you might be contributing to child trafficking or separating families rather than creating one. I’m writing for those who wonder what exactly God meant when he said that pure and faultless religion is to “look after orphans and widows in their distress…” James 1:27.

So for you, here are a few thoughts:

- Don’t judge an entire institution based on extremes. 

We don’t judge the value of all plastic surgery by this:

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We don’t call for an end to all cruise ships because of this:

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We’re not going to completely disown Ben Affleck because of this:

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And yeah, I realize that adoption is much more serious business, but the same principle applies. Making judgments based on a few extreme examples is unproductive. The problem with Joyce’s book is that she attempts to paint a picture of the evangelical adoption movement by singling out a few isolated examples where things went terribly wrong. Articles discussing the book, therefore, are filled with loaded words ranging from the Mother Jones “obsession” to The Child-Catchers: Evangelicals and the Fake Orphan Racket.”  Yowsa.

The sad thing, is that like any system ran by humans, there are legitimate cases of corruption in adoption that need swift attention and practices that need reformed. In his review, pastor, adoptive father, and blogger Rick Morton clearly acknowledges the valid points of Joyce’s book including the following:

- Adoption should not be viewed through rose-colored glasses. We should always be working toward more ethical practices.

- Christians should be leading the charge in fighting instances of corruption and protecting children from trafficking or abuse. 

- Adoption is not always the answer. We must also support programs that fight the poverty and illness creating orphans.

- Whenever possible, families belong together. We must work to create in-country foster systems and supports allowing more people to parent their children. 

These are important topics, and to someone new to the adoption world,  there’s a great opportunity for education about these subjects.

From my experience, educated adoptive parents can be some of the most effective and influential people advocating for ethical practices. While adoptive parents cannot prevent the heartache and loss their children experience early in life, most are more than willing to take steps to ensure that lies and deceit are not part of the story. But while Joyce’s book does contain some useful information,  well…..the slightly inflammatory language used in reviewing the book and the extreme examples she uses to make her case will likely only offend and turn away readers rather than inviting the pro-adoption crowd to have a meaningful discussion.

Morton writes:

In all, I think Kathryn Joyce has misrepresented us and used fairly rare and isolated examples from the fringe in a way that makes them appear to be from the mainstream of the evangelical adoption community. I bear her no ill will, but It seems to me that she entered into her analysis with a bias instead of a sense of journalistic neutrality. I would love to talk to her and. as Paul Harvey would have said, tell her “the rest of the story.”

For instance, the book features Sam and Serene Allison, a Tennessee couple who adopted four children from Liberia. With four biological children already, the fundamentalist Allisons were apparently grossly unprepared for the realities of providing for, educating, and parenting their internationally adopted children. Abuse, neglect, and abandonment followed, and almost all of their adoptions failed or developed serious issues.

In a response to the article, faith blogger Jonathan Merritt writes the following:

… one has to make a logical leap of stratospheric proportions to assume that the behaviors of this family are somehow representative of the thousands of Christians who adopt each year. Joyce presumably knows this, so to build her case, she leans on a slew of fringe ministries, publications, and personalities.

Joyce also pulls heavily from Above Rubies, a magazine published by Serene’s mother, Nancy Campbell. The magazine is apparently popular among some fundamentalist Christians and some in the homeschool crowd. Apparently, the magazine promoted adoptions from Liberia through questionable agencies. However, Merritt and others point out that the publication is far from well-known, and it certainly doesn’t represent the majority of Christian adopters.

- Christian Parents Will Attempt to Raise Christian Children

(This Isn’t News, Y’all)

Another primary point of the book is that Christians are using adoption solely as a way to bring more souls to the kingdom of God. Okay. Mmmkay, let’s look at this argument.

As a Christian, do I believe God calls me to care for the widow and orphan? Yes.

Do I believe that God wants children to be raised in loving families instead of institutions? Yes.

Do I believe that I can honor God through the way I choose to build my family? Yes.

Do I adopt for the purpose of ranking up a higher score on my Super-Duper, Christianity Conversion Scorecard? Heck, no. Of course I’m going to raise my children with Christian values and traditions….kinda how Muslim parents raise their kids to follow Islam or Buddhists parents will raise little Buddhists.

Actually, of the three young adults in our family, not all of them identify as Christians, and that’s okay. We still love and value them. We try to share our faith by the way we live and treat our fellow man, but we learned long ago that belief is not something that can be forced on another person. We want all of our children to choose to follow Christ because they meet and know Jesus, not because they are blindly accepting what we or anyone else has taught them.

Pearl-style Discipline is a PARENTING problem,

Not an Adoption Problem

The article also spends several paragraphs discussing how families in the book followed discipline techniques in Michael and Debi Pearl, How to Train Up a Child.

There’s no other way to say this: the Pearls are crazy. Completely, totally jacked UP. Go see for yourself. Check out Rachel Held Evans’ post, The Abusive Teachings of Michael and Debi Pearl. She quotes extensively from the book in which the Pearls advocate spanking babies as young as six months with switches and using plumping tubes or belts to spank older children until their will is completely broken.

Several children have died brutal deaths at the hands of parents using the Pearls’ disciplinary teachings. And some of those children were in adoptive families. However, the implication is that this book and its brutal mentality is common or expected among adoptive parents, and that’s just not true.

In a comment on this post, blogger Kristen Howerton says the following:

The Pearls, and the other parenting issues within fundamental families, are PARENTING issues, not specifically international adoption issues. The practices are harmful to bio and adoptive children alike. But horror stories that have occurred in fringe families should not be held as an example of the problems of the evangelical adoption movement, and that is what happened in the article… (emphasis mine) 

Preach it, sister. Preach.

Oh no you didn’t!

Okay, while researching the various responses to the book for this post and trying to give Joyce the benefit of the doubt, I came across this comment from Missy Dollahon. She recently adopted a daughter from Ethiopia, and she blogs at It’s Almost Naptime. I’ve followed Missy’s blog and adoption journey for years, and I admire her faith, courage, and humor. Apparently, Joyce stalked her blog, stole a few quotes, and completely misrepresented her in the book. Dear Ms. Joyce, plagiarism is NOT cool. In Missy’s words from HERE: 

I’m a Christian with moderate political views who recently adopted a two year old double orphan who was classified as special needs after a three year wait and an extensive, two year investigation to determine her orphan status not once, but twice.

I am also someone who was quoted twice so far (and I’m only on chapter 4) by your friend Kathryn in her book, characterized as someone who wanted a baby ‘as young as possible’ without her mentioning that the reason that I (and so many other families) originally requested an infant was 1) it was an agency requirement as our youngest child at the time was only 2 years old and all agencies require an age spread and 2) at the time I had a 2 year old, a 3 year old, a 4 year old, and a 5 year old, only one of whom was in school, so adopting an older special needs child with attachment difficulties seemed quite irresponsible given my resources as a mother.

The way that she described me, you’d think that Nancy Campbell and I got together at Home Depot to buy plumbing line each week to swat our kids with, but I could not be much more different from her extreme examples, and this is apparent to anyone who reads my blog, which Ms. Joyce evidently spent a good deal of time doing. I represent the majority of Evangelicals with ‘orphan fever’ – passionate about justice in ALL forms, including adoption ethics, with nary a denim jumper in our closet.

Oh, but the best part? I was plagiarized, since my second direct quote was not in anyway notated.

Now, what was that you were you saying about shoddy journalism?

Wahahaha! Thanks Missy.

Orphan-Fever

In conclusion, go ahead and read Kathryn Joyce’s book, and if it leads you to seek more information and advocate for ethical adoption practices, that’s wonderful. Just make sure you acknowledge that she wrote with a clear agenda rather than journalistic objectivity, relied heavily on extreme examples not representative of the majority of evangelicals, and completely twisted her portrayal of at least one adoptive mother.

Also, dear potential adoptive parents, don’t be afraid of the fever.  Embrace the obsession. The nervous excitement. The passion. For how else should we feel about children? How else should we treat the youngest members of the kingdom?

In no way do I think that God calls all Christians to adopt; it’s a lifetime commitment down a long and difficult path. It should not be entered into lightly. But there is also no shame in being called. So whether you are feeding the hungry or clothing the naked or caring for the orphan….by all means, do it with some umph! Do it with the fire of the God who works in you.

Because orphan fever is not a bad thing.

And if you’d like a more complete picture of the Christian adoption movement, here are some cool families I know:

The Super Sloans

The Ottinger Family

The McRoberts Clan

We Have Room

Injera and Chocolate Gravy

And as Missy pointed out, they manage it all without beating their kids with plumbing supplies. Amazing, I know.

 

 

 

 

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For the purposes of this post, I’m going to refer to our potential adoptee as G. It will be up to her whether any identifying information is ever shared here. 

Adoption #2 Update: InstaMom Version 2.0

I promised to try and keep y’all updated as our second adoption becomes a reality, but life has kept me away from my computer this week. In case you missed it, I’d recommend reading THIS POST explaining how we came to the decision to pursue adopting a teenage girl.

So….funny story. Some of you may remember how Ellie came into our lives rather quickly? Seems as though this addition is going to progress more rapidly than expected as well. The Lebels: we build family fast.

As I wrote in the last post, we were planning on having G. move in permanently at the end of May after a series of visits. Turns out, she could be moving in as early as next week.

Yikes. This just got real, y’all. I mean, we’ve attended the classes, read the books, stalked the blogs, discussed the endless “what-ifs,” prayed and planned and prayed some more. But as you probably know, nothing can truly prepare one for being a parent. At some point, you just jump in and go.

We met with G. on Wednesday in what must have felt like the Spanish Inquisition of social workers. One seventeen-year-old kid and ten or so adults seeking an answer to, “So, based on one letter and a picture, how do you feel about these folks becoming your family forever?” 

I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for her all those times, sitting at a table with so many people controlling her life. Fortunately, after a few minutes of introductions and such, they left us alone to talk, and we were able to begin the fragile and challenging process of getting to know one another. We only had about 15 minutes, and there was still an audience of social workers hovering nearby, but we discovered some similarities. They’d probably seem insignificant to most, but it’s the little things that matter. A favorite food. A movie. A book. Tiny links upon which we can build a foundation for trust and relationship. A place for a new family to grow.

We weren’t sure how the visit was going (and we were actually afraid she was about to completely reject us), when a counselor informed us G. is ready to move forward. As in….now.

So, she’ll be coming for a visit this weekend, and if all goes well, we’ll have another family member by next week. We’re nervous, of course, but also terribly excited. :-)

Several incredibly kind individuals have asked how they can help, and so, I thought I’d share some advice from around the Web and from my own experience in how you might be a blessing to families adopting or fostering. You know how churches, neighbors, family, and friends take care of folks when they have a new baby? Many of the same principles apply to adoptive families, no matter the age of the child.

How to Help Your Friend Who is Fostering/Adopting an Older Child

1. Read What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew by Sharon Astyk 

Not all of this advice applies specifically to us at this moment, but it’s excellent advice, nonetheless. Pay special attention to

#1 We’re Not Freakin’ Saints

#2 Watch What You Say Around the Kids

#3 Don’t Act Surprised That They’re Nice/Smart/Loving/Well-Behaved….

Ok….just read the whole thing. 

2. Provide Some Food

Yes, this is completely self-serving. I hate to cook, but I love to eat. I’ve gotten a decent handle on meal-planning and shopping for our family of five, but adding another teenager to the table is no doubt going to require some adjustment as I figure out how much extra food to cook, what she eats, etc. If you show up at my door with food, I will kiss your toes and grab the guys to sing your praises in three-part harmony. Or something like that. Like most families, adoptive parents want to spend the first few days at home just getting to know the new person, whether that person is a seven-pound chunk of baby wrinkles or a drum-playing, gospel-singing 18-year-old boy. Oh, and G. loves chicken wings. Just throwing that out there.

3. Show the New Kid Some Serious LOVE.

We want G. to feel completely comfortable and insanely loved not just in our family but in our lives as a whole. So, if you’re a regular part of our lives, please consider some ways to make her feel welcome. For instance, some amazing people from our church offered to throw a sort of “welcome party” for G. in place of the traditional baby shower. I was so touched by the thoughtfulness of that gesture, I went home and had a good old ugly cry. Love y’all. LOVE. 

Other ideas? Maybe mail her a card, telling her who you are and how you know us. Include a picture from last year’s Christmas card if you really want to get fancy (No doubt I’ve lost it by now. Sorry.) I’ll never forget how some special friends made special efforts to make the guys feel welcome when they first moved in. Whether it’s sharing a meal, lending a drum set, or going for a run, small actions go a long way, and kids cannot have too many positive and encouraging mentors.

(Do be aware that depending on the age of the child and his or her history, adoptive families may go through a “cocooning” period in which they need space to form strong attachments. There are plenty of ways to help without being directly involved with the child. Ask the parents what you can do, and respect any boundaries they have with regards to the child.) 

4. Become a Support Person

Fostering to adopt in TN takes, at minimum, six months. That means for the next six months, we have to follow the extremely detailed and strict rules of Youth Villages. While not at school, G. has to be under our immediate supervision at all times. Even though she’s 17, we can’t run out to the grocery or go grab dinner without her. This isn’t a huge deal, as we want to spend as much time as possible getting to know her, but at some point in the next six months, there is a possibility we might want one or two dinners alone. There’s also the possibility she might not appreciate hanging out in the pediatrician’s office for three hours or looking at tile samples for the afternoon. Hard to imagine, I know. We can’t drop her off with family or friends…..unless they have filled out the appropriate support paperwork. (Hint, hint, shameless plea.) A support person has to have a background check and provide a driver’s license and proof of insurance. Easy! With YV, a support can keep a child for up to four hours. The rules and procedures vary between agencies.

5. Offer to Keep the Other Kids

For families that already have children, it can be challenging trying to shuffle their needs while focusing on a new person. For instance, Ellie is two-years-old. When she feels she’s not getting enough attention, she gets loud. Really loud. We’re trying to convince her that she’s not queen of the world, but yeah….like I said. She’s two. Therefore, while trying to help G. adjust to a new environment, new people, new rules, etc., it might be nice to have the occasional moment or two of solitude so she can get used to us before fully taking on the tiny whirlwind of destruction known as “little sister.” So, if you’re headed to the park or the Zoo or are just throwing your kids into the backyard with the water hose for a few hours, consider inviting your adopting friends to dump their littles into the mix for a bit. For those adopting younger children (who may need some intense bonding time), consider helping by taking older kids out of the house to do something special.

6. Pray

Above all, lift up your friends and their family in prayer. I can’t tell you how much it has meant over the past few months to have people that continually call or text with support. Those reminders that we are loved and that people are asking God to watch over our family….that’s gold, people.

 

If you’re a foster or adoptive family, what advice would you add? What supports have been most helpful as you added a new member to your family? 

 

 

 

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The Paper Pregnancy is Starting to Show

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In December of last year, I started sharing with friends and family that we were actively pursuing a second adoption. (To which we had a myriad of reactions.) We worked for months to complete a homestudy update with Hannah’s Hope, and y’all, that was a journey. When you have two unrelated males over 18 living [...]

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Lazy Day Link-a-palooza: Marriage Equality, Purity Culture, and That Awful Song

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While completing graduate school projects, building a house, and raising a toddler, I’ve sadly neglected my Google Reader for quite some time now. (And apparently, I’m going to have to soon find a replacement as Google is killing the reader. Bleh.  Insert whining here.) Anyway, there are just too many amazing bloggers out there, and [...]

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To Boston

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At any given time, I have a list of roughly 32 random ideas for blog posts. Today, I’d like to write something snarky about how my house is fighting back against the constant onslaught of a two-year-old by hiding all my stuff and allowing ants to run rampant. I’d like to tell you about the [...]

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A Sunshiny Day: Adorable Monogrammed/Appliqued Baby Items

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We’ve already established on this blog that I am almost rarely the crafty mom. However, God knows my weaknesses, and so He generously blessed me with a plethora of Martha Stewart-like friends. (Well, except that most of them aren’t criminals and are way hotter. Love y’all.) Anyway, if you’re like me, and occasionally want your child [...]

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Eye Boogers, No Naps, and Such

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…why I haven’t written in weeks… Hello blogging world. It’s been a long time, and I’ve missed you. *sniff* Apparently, the kiddos in our church and/or KDO shared more than the love of Jesus at this year’s Easter gatherings, and we’ve been battling “the crud” for weeks. I knew we were in trouble when the [...]

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Stuck and Mercy: Adoption Documentaries to See

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I’ve shared a few posts recently about my time at Created for Care, an adoptive mom’s conference I attended a few weeks ago. I had the opportunity to network with some amazing adoptive moms and get some practical ideas about becoming a better mother overall. Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching moments of the weekend [...]

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POF Update and Tampon-Burning Plans

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Last Friday, I attended another coffee night with the 1.17 Moms, a local adoption support group. As is customary, we closed down Starbucks and conversations lingered in the parking lot until it started drizzling rain. This time, a Facebook friend I met years ago during my fertility clinic days joined us as she is now [...]

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A Life That Left a Hole

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On Friday morning, Cliff Pickens, a dear family friend, passed away after a brief illness. As his family was already in town, the funeral was Saturday, and I spent the weekend with my family in Tupelo, sharing memories and stories. Cliff, 77, left no scarcity of spirited anecdotes to pick from. He lived a life [...]

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