Warning: This is pretty much a poo-poo, woe is me, I feel like sludge kinda post. If you need comfort in the fact that there’s another human being that feels sad sometimes, read on. If you’re perfect and don’t understand days that aren’t all puppies and roses, this isn’t the place for you.
Today, I have felt ridiculously depressed all day long. Even the idea of something as simple as pouring a bowl of cereal seemed impossibly insurmountable….as though I would have to wade through cement just to make it across the room. I felt mentally and physically heavy, sluggish, and dispirited. And that’s fine; we all have bad days. Normally, I wouldn’t bother blogging about my desire to go hide under the covers as I realize you likely get plenty enough whining from your kids, but the cloud in my brain is jumbling thoughts on everything else, so I’m self-indulging with some on-line angst today.
First of all, don’t worry. I’ve managed to do all the things I’m supposed to do. I’ve played with Ellie and changed her diapers and read her books and recorded her silly faces. I returned e-mails and made calls for a community center trip next week. I even managed to cook these Sweet Summer Vegetable Enchiladas.
Yes, they were delicious. I should be patting myself on the back and basking in the warm glow of domestic success.
But for whatever reason, I’m just not feeling it, and I’m trying to figure out why.
I think it may have a little something to do with the fact we lost a potential family member this week. Or maybe it’s because my recent physical results from LifeSigns showed my cholesterol is high again, and now I can’t eat a single cupcake without feeling intensely guilty. My Vitamin D is low too, so come on beach trip! I think there’s also some general frustration with all the taking sides over chicken sandwiches mess. *sigh*
Of course, it’s also the week that all my teacher friends are getting ready to go back to work, and for a month or so, I will struggle with uncertainty about my decision to be at home. The first week back was always one of my favorite times. The organizer in me loved decorating bulletin boards, creating new seating charts, and planning “get-to-know-you” assignments. I loved the hope at the beginning of each year; this year, they will ALL turn in their research papers! They will skip merrily into my room on vocabulary quiz day. This year, they will do their homework and ask for more! This year, I will not get cursed out…. or threatened with bodily harm !
Yeah, so maybe I wasn’t quite that delusional, but I did enjoy the opportunity to start fresh and improve upon the previous year. I was good at teaching, and I’d be lying if I said there aren’t days when I crave the chance to teach someone something. When it’s in your blood, you get a little red-pen itchy, ya know? Anyway, I know about a month in, teachers will be drowning in a sea of poorly-written, barely-legible five-paragraph essays, and their days will be spent juggling the impossible demands of lesson-planning, grading, classroom management, parent contact, IEP modifications, extra-curricular responsibilities, evaluations, and a dozen other responsibilities created by politicians who know absolutely nothing about teaching or learning. Modern teachers are super-human heroes, and somehow, there are many that have families and make it work. They are my rock stars!
But a month in, I’ll remember how I never managed to find a working balance between my job and my home life and how my marriage suffered during my 12-hour days at school. I’ll remember all the reasons that I decided to stay home with Ellie, and they will still be there….true, valid, and right for our family. And I’ll remember to be incredibly grateful that I have the option when many don’t. But today, there is that part of me that wants to be sitting in in-service cracking jokes with my friends while working the latest movie clips into my vocabulary PowerPoints.
And then, of course, today’s feelings could just be hormones. Being female, I can always blame the hormones. Wahahaha!
Yes, I realize that my life is showered in blessings, and I am truly thankful.
It’s just, I was thinking about all the bloggers I follow….folks with a dozen kids who manage to work and post daily self-help tutorials or insightful spiritual manifestos to their uber-popular blogs while making color-themed lunches and toddler craft bins to share on Pinterest. Ugh. I love them, really I do. But what really makes me cry tears of gratitude is finding a kindred spirit in a blogger who shares the mess. To me, the diamonds are the women who aren’t afraid to admit weakness, failure, confusion, uncertainty, anger, jealousy, and fear. Because I’m fairly sure we all feel those things. They just don’t make for such pretty blog posts.
So I decided that today is one of the days I’m letting my guard down and saying, I’m sad. Do you have days like this….days when no one particular thing is wrong, but you just don’t feel right? If so, I just wanted to say, it’s okay, and you’re not alone. And probably, we should both start taking more vitamins and such.
Anyway, for you entertainment, here’s the one thing that did totally make me smile today: Ellie eating ice cream.